Monday, April 11, 2011

Stuck in shitsville

I am in deep shit. 
I wrote and rewrote how I will open this blog ten times and that basically summarizes where I am at right now. I can't believe I am in this shithole phase of my life without any provocation from me so it sincerely riles me up even more. Well, its better than being depressed and weepy. I have lost some days already being so caught up in misery that luckily some sense still gets hold of me. To deliberately steer my mind away from more depression, I have taken to some stuff that feed little squee into this black hole in my life:
1) I finally took the time to read and finish the Hunger Games trilogy. That was a good read ( though I'm not too hot about the 3rd book but I tell myself, it could've had a Stephen King ending and I would just get a hatchet and off myself.
2) I'm now downloading Megaquake 10 NatGeo special ( yes. I love planet killers. REALLY.)
3) I dug out my Justified season 1 DVD and let 'er rip. I am in love with you, Raylan!!
4) May 3rd: the next Sookie book comes out. Finally, some resolution. ( I hope. )

I think I'll need more baby squee things though.The last month has been this immense clusterfuck of bad that right now, I'm still quaking if I should right it down. But like I did promise myself that this blog is some sort of therapy for me. Might as well. Here goes. Brace for super epic turbulent melodrama.

Mom has cancer. Aaaaand its stage 4, maybe all ready spreading and doing bad things. Aaaand I feel so helpless. And angry. And guilty. And sad. And alone. And more helpless. And depressed because there is nothing. I. can. do. Nothing. nothing. none. nada. niente. :(

My hands are shaking while I write because it is painful for me. I cannot imagine how I am going to possibly survive all of this. I just imagine whats due to pass and I am shitting myself. Along side all this fear, I am also fucking angry. Angry because stupidity happened and is still happening. No one can drive me batshit insane like Mom. One of the things that I totally HATE about this whole thing is that significant portions of my misery can be traced to her actions and choices in life. I really don't want to judge but it blows my mind when i think about what I am being obligated to live with, what now involves me when I tried so hard to live my own life as separate from whatever she is up to. Trust me when I say not only am I buried with the fallout of her previous selfish actions, she is currently consuming my very limited sanity points with her fantastic WTF? impositions, And she's already assigning me with obligations that will last my lifetime.  I think about it a lot nowadays. Could I have managed to change anything? I really don't know if I could have. I would say honestly even if I could travel back in time, the effort would be wasted.

Even if I know I shouldn't. I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for all the anger I'm feeling alongside. My guilt is as strong as the anger I'm feeling. Logic says to stop feeling guilty, is to stop feeling angry. Now that I have been processing for some time now and what stumps me is I cant stop being angry. Specially when I cannot justify at all everything that led up to this. I'm not mad at her cancer but I am furious that this is forcing me to confront the reality of the consequences of everything shes been doing, its forcing me to confront the reality that I am woefully inadequate to handle this and that's what makes this situation absolutely intolerable. Now, not only will she have to deal with it, everyone around her has to deal with it. I am raging at the thought I have to deal with it. This is all her fault, why am I the one suffering? With every complaint, I feel guilty. With a run down of all her issues pressing down on me, its truly comically ridiculous in scope and weight, and yet I feel guilty. The cancer is ravaging more than her body. It is the fan that drives all the shit in up to our faces. I can't blame the fan. I'm blaming the shitter. If her shit was nice and tidy, then we wont be beset with so much muck raking. The only explanation I'm getting is my mother has absolutely no foresight whatsoever. I feel guilt that I am not as good daughter as I should be but I don't know anyone who has to deal with this much either. I should be there comforting her and making her feel safe but right now I can't. Maybe I'm already doing as much as I could but it doesn't feel its enough because the pressure is still there. My personal survival instincts are kicking in and I want so badly to just say its horribly unfair for me to squarely shoulder this. For even thinking of myself first, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for every little thing I am writing right now. And I really hate it.

And I am immensely sad. Aside from obvious things, I feel so sorry for myself. I feel this dirty icky pity for me that just grosses me out. I wade in sucky emo sentiment that its because I love so much that everything matters. the good, the bad, the very bad. I do have this great ocean of love for Mom that basically assures that for everything she does that annoys me, I can't strangle her. I can't cut her out of my life even when she hurts me so much I feel I can easily justify it. Even if the option is open to turn away and not look back. I can't. If I could do just one thing impulsively, I would, no question, take her place. Not only do I get to save her, its the perfect escapist fantasy--It sounds so good instead of all this uncertainty. I am most certain of how I will be. I know I can handle the cancer. I am insured if something strikes me down so I will not be financially wanting, I don't care where I'll be buried. I don't care if you bake and toss my ash anywhere. I have no spawn to worry about and I know everyone dear to me can move on nicely. Ok, my dogs will be sad, but bacon cures all pain for them. I'm a totally cheap and easy date for that morbid occasion. But as I see it, "Too easy", God says for my character apparently is too weak and hence needs more building.  Here's the ultimate crazy question. Do I love her enough to sit here with quiet acceptance and take it all in as it comes. As is. While the Titanic sinks slowly. Right now, I really don't know where to get the motivation. Hence the spin cycle of fear, anger, sad and stuck.

This is the hardest time of my life. I have no awesome answer to what to do with the above but wish I get some clarity, peace of mind, strength, and win the lottery for compensation. P500Million ought to make it tolerable.


1 comment:

  1. Hi Vannie.  Just wanted to let you know I've read all of this.  And I know the few times we've seen each other, we've been in a big group.  Let me know if you still want tea and down time.  You've always struck me as someone who can stare anything in the face and I've always admired how you don't let anything anything so for you to be writing this I know this is big.  

    Nothing affects us like family.  See you soon.  

    Preferably where million dollar bills grow on trees and applewood bacon is there for the taking.